Some Laughs for Product Managers

You might not know this, but the Cranky Product Manager has special abilities.  Ones that go beyond her prowess with requirements documents, her ability to read customers’ minds, and the way she can get developers to actually do what she asks without offering bribes or sexual favors.

Deanna_Troi_Season_3_smCan’t guess what these abilities are?  Well, the Cranky Product Manager is an “empath” (sorta). Kind of like Deanna Troi. But without the skin-tight, low-cut lavender jumpsuits and penchant for stating the blindingly obvious.

As an empath, the Cranky Product Manager can sense how all of you — the Product Management Crankerati — are feeling at this very moment.

She’s sensing that you are feeling frustrated and that you have too much to do. That your days are filled with hundreds of emails, dozens of meetings, tons of documents and reading, customer visits, travel, presentations, strategic planning and and more and more and more. The onslaught  just won’t let up, and you are feeling just a little overwhelmed (although you won’t admit it).  As such, you’ve lost a bit of your sense of humor.

So, the Cranky Product Manager is here to help.  Maybe give you a smile or even a few chuckles.

First, re-live your daily conference call hell with the video “A Conference Call in Real Life“:

Second, the next time you have to deal with that caustic-yet-brilliant CTO, remember this Dilbert:

Third, check out the Cranky Product Manager’s Pinterest board, for EVEN MORE cartoons on product management, software, and Silicon Valley (mixed with a dash of working-mom humor).

And fourth, try to get a bit more sleep, rein in your inner control freak, and remember that you just LOVE product management! It’s WICKED AWESOME.

 

An Updated “Brain of a Sales Droid” Diagram

An Esteemed Member of the Crankerati  did something awesome.

He re-drew the Cranky Product Manager’s pitiful, hand-drawn “Brain of a Sales Droid” diagram (see old version here), so he could print it on a T-shirt and wear it to Sales Kick-off (brave man!).

And voila!  The redrawn pic is actually LEGIBLE. That means you can now READ the text, which was pretty impossible before. WICKED AWESOME.  (Plus it has a minor update, to highlight Droids’ near-universal and newfound obsession with Tesla sedans).

So, here it is. Once again. The Enterprise Software Sales Droid’s Brain, as viewed from Product Management:

SalesDroidBrain-revise-716x813

No Excuses Product Management (Part 4) – Do Yer Damn Product Strategy Already

LAME-ASS PRODUCT MANAGEMENT EXCUSE #3: “I’m too busy to work on product strategy.”

The one REALLY gets the Cranky PM’s scowl going, enough that she’s considering Botox simply to appear more slightly more pleasant and plastic and less sarcastic and cranky.  Too bad there are no injections to prevent eye rolling.

Grrr. Too busy to NOT work on product strategy, is more like it.

Sure, as a product manager you’re fighting fires and constantly bombarded with emails and phone calls and meetings and X and Y and … That’s life in the big city.

Whatev, we all deal with it. Rumor is that Product Management is a leading cause of Adult ADD.

The simple fact, though, is that if the Product Manager doesn’t do the product strategy, well, WHO THE HELL DOES?  Perhaps you are expecting a visit from the Product Strategy Fairy – expecting her to leave some market trend analysis under your pillow?

Ok, ok, if you’re at a release 1.0 startup, the Cranky Product Manager will give you a pass on this one, because often the founder knows the problem space.

Seriously, the job of Product Management is to make sure the team is scaling the right freakin’ mountain. You might be a demo genius, ..

NO EXCUSES!

 

Common Product Management Fuck-Ups That Strike Even the Experienced

Common Product Management Fuck-Ups That Strike Even the Experienced

  1. Acting like a Requirements Monkey.
  2. Punting on strategy.
  3. Not focusing on a particular target market.
  4. Not meeting with enough customers often enough.
  5. Not meeting with prospects and non-customers often enough.
  6. Not truly understanding the real problems faced by your target market.
  7. Hearing only what you want to hear.
  8. Being afraid to draw pictures.
  9. Writing a Magnum Opus of a requirements doc or strategy doc, primarily to cover your ass.
  10. Forgetting to incorporate features into your product that help you measure success or failure, and thereby improve over time.
  11. Going along with a development process that can't adjust when faced with negative market feedback
  12. Becoming Development's Co-Dependent, and having them come to you about the placement of every freakin' pixel.
  13. Allowing a piece of shit to ship.
  14. Making the product hard to buy or up-edition.
  15. Thinking that landing reference customers for a new product/release is someone else's job.
  16. Letting the release treadmill create a "boat anchor" editioning and pricing situation.
  17. Assuming that everyone that stands in your way is an asshole or a political player.
  18. Neglecting to spend the time building rapport and credibility with engineers.

Market Interviews Gone Bad #5: Stymied!

And now a market interview where the product manager hasn’t done anything wrong (yet).
Esteemed Crankerati, what’s your advice about what a PM can do to salvage this interview?
Product Management: Market Interviews

(NOTE: if you received this post via email, your probably can’t see the embedded image (the comic). So click on the link to view it on the website. Thx!)

Market Interviews Gone Bad #4: Too Creepy

This is a two-panel comic, so make sure you scroll down.
market-interviews4-creepy

Maybe you should leave these personal questions until the end, along with an explanation as to why you are asking. Better yet, try to find out via natural, non-creepy conversation that comes up in the course of the interview by being a nice, friendly person. Finally, better to not find out than to be creepy or pushy. Remember, you might want to contact this person again for more insight.

(Note: If you are receiving this post via email, you probably can’t see the embedded image. Click on the link to view the comic on the website.)

The Cranky Product Manager is Back…. Presenting “Market Interviews GONE BAD, Part 1″

Ever wonder why so many startup entrepreneurs put out misguided and doomed products, EVEN AFTER attempting to take four steps toward an epiphany and drinking the “Lean Startup” Kool-Aid?

Market Interviews Gone BAD: Too Vested To Listen

****Face Palm****

Alas, the Cranky Product Manager has witnessed similar “attempts” at market validation too many times to count. Maybe they could use some help from a real product manager.