Please help the Cranky Product Manager. She believes she is slowly losing her mind. Her grip on reality is oh-so tenuous at the stage of the product release cycle, approximately a month before a major release.
The source of her frustration / dismay / blinding rage / abhorrent taste of bile at the back of her throat? The ludicrous arguments she gets into during the Daily Bug Scrub meet. Witness the joy for yourself:
Sally, the Spineless Release Manager: Bug 37854 is “The product’s main launch page contains blatant spelling errors. These must be corrected prior to release.” It was filed by the Cranky Product Manager.
Larry, the Lazy Development Manager: Oh COME ON, Cranky Product Manager. PUH-LEEASE. This is NOT a high priority. (Turns to the Spineless Release Manager.) Defer it to the service pack.
Cranky Product Manager: Whoa there, Beeyatch! What the fraking eff are you doing? Don’t you dare defer that bug or the Cranky Product Manager will open youz up like a can of tuna fish! These errors are blatant, and on the first product screen the users encounter! Our company’s name is misspelled in four different places! And since when is “Welcome to Techno Prodoct Suit 6″ acceptable English? It is all SO sloppy and SO in-yer-face! EVERY customer will see it and conclude that we outsourced development to dyslexic third graders from Cambodia!
Larry, the Lazy Development Manager: Duh, Cranky Product Manager. I’m not saying that everything is spelled correctly. Of COURSE it’s a bug. But our release criteria is clear! We shouldn’t hold a release for a severity 4 bug, which THIS is. Let me quote: “Severity 1 - Data loss or software crash. Severity 2 - Major functionality is missing or doesn’t work with no workaround. Severity 3 - Functionality is missing or doesn’t work, but there is a workaround. Severity 4 - Functionality is unaffected.” Spelling errors don’t affect functionality - Sev 4 it is! Defer it!
Sally, the Spineless Release Manager: He’s right. I’m deferring it.
Oy. Double Oy with cheese on top. These arguments are enough to make the Cranky Product Manager feel like she’s stuck in the smoking room of the Tokyo Narita airport, suffocating on the toxic fumes, unable to breathe and developing a profoundly splitting headache (or maybe it’s like that hangover after a night of chocolate martinitis and smoking cigars… hmm).
Did the Cranky PM already mention a similar argument about a toolbar button that was so large it didn’t actually fit on the toolbar? Or the dialog box that instructed a user to hit “any” key to dismiss, but in reality only accepted the space key?
It is enough to drive the Cranky Product Manager toward office supply abuse, specifically of monitor cleaner and dry-erase markers.
But don’t you worry. Rest assured that the Cranky PM nearly always gets her way in the end. Despite her crankitude, she is persistent and ultimately persuasive. She might lose the Bug Scrub battle, but she ultimately wins the war. There may be spelling (and grammar) mistakes in her blog posts, but never in her products.
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Since starting this blog a few short weeks ago, the Cranky Product Manager has become an Internet celebrity of sorts, her email inbox overflowing with two, maybe even three, emails.
