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From the monthly archives:

November 2006

The IT Awards Show

by The Cranky Product Manager on November 20, 2006

in Analysts

The Cranky Product Manager continues to be stunned by anyone who thinks technology analysts are anything but lazy-ass whores who combine the ethics of Dennis Kozlowski with the hypocrisy of Cardinal Bernard Law. Isn’t the secret out already? Haven’t we all heard this story before?

Yet, somehow, in her travels the Cranky Product Manager meets hoards and hoards of IT managers and “Business-Side Project Owners” who hold the word of the Gardeners and the Forrest Rangers in great esteem. Why? Because, deep down, they still believe in voodoo and witchcraft. They believe the claims from the Gardener brothel — that a surprisingly low-precision, intellectually lazy, almost entirely subjective, opaque, overly simplistic, two-by-two table is indeed Magic. Preternatural, even. And if the Gardener has “magic” on its side, well best do what Gardener says, right-o?

WAKE UP, buyers of enterprise software!  Honestly. Get a clue. Don’t make the Cranky Product Manager come to your house and get all cranky in yer face. She has tremendously bad breath. And she spits when she talks. You wouldn’t want this. You wouldn’t even wish it on the neighborhood a-hole who simply MUST mow his lawn at 6:30 every Saturday morning and just HAS TO scream at and berate his kids from his driveway every. single. fraking. night.

Think the tactics of these — ahem — “analysts” have changed in recent years?  That the additions of “ombudsmen” and ethics committee have made them unbiased? Ha. Let the Cranky Product Manager tell you a little story…

Costner_1Recently, DysfunctoSoft tripled its “consulting” contract with Big Whorehouse #2.  The results of the payoff were speedy. Within weeks, DysfunctoSoft’s Analyst Relations Manager called the Cranky Product Manager in a panic. Apparently, Big Whorehouse #2 wanted to give one of DysfunctoSoft’s customers an “IT Excellence” award or some such, for its fantabulous IT project which just so happened to be built around the latest version of DysfunctoCrank, the product so lovingly managed by the Cranky Product Manager.

Sounds great, right? So why the panic?

Well apparently, Big Whorehouse #2 did not actually have a particular DysfunctoSoft customer in mind for the award. In fact, they tasked DysfunctoSoft with selecting the recipient.

And thus the panicky inquiry from Artie in AR: Did the Cranky Product Manager actually know any customers who had successfully built a fantabulous application around DysfunctoCrank 6.0? A customer who would be effusive and fawning in its praise of DysfunctoCrank 6.0? A customer who would wax poetic about the awesomitude of DysfunctoSoft Corporation? A customer interested in an all-expenses-paid trip to a golf resort?

Well, no. The Cranky Product Manager did not know such a customer. DysfunctoCrank 6.0 had only been released two weeks ago, WITHOUT a Beta program (don’t ask… don’t ask). Furthermore, DysfunctoSoft’s order fulfillment and CRM systems were so dysfunctional that they had prevented even the most enthusiastic maintenance customers from so much as requesting the new software.

So, again, no. There was no customer that even HAD Crank 6.0 in its possession, never mind had developed an application on top of it.  Forget about one that had developed a fantabulous application worthy of some sham award from a bunch of fraking high-priced streetwalkers who call themselves unbiased but are so shamelessly For Sale.

But not to be deterred, Artie AR managed to find a customer interested in a nice vacation and a discount on software license fees within a few hours: a customer who would be willing to talk to Whorehouse #2 and the media about what they PLANNED to do with DysfunctoCrank 6.0 and describe the simplistic things they had already done with release 5.4.  Apparently, this plan was all good with Whorehouse #2. Still worthy of an award, but maybe DysfunctoSoft should purchase some more of Whorehouse #2’s research offerings (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

Any more questions on how the Cranky Product Manager became so cynical?  Or about when her youthful idealism was crushed into powdery dust?

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That “All the Responsibility but No Authority” Saying

by The Cranky Product Manager on November 8, 2006

in Development, The PM Profession

“The most challenging thing about product management is that you have all the responsibility but none of the authority,” the job candidate said. Quite satisfied with his answer to the Cranky Product Manager’s stock interview question, the candidate flashed her a knowing, gleaming white smile. That was the signal. The Cranky Product Manager was supposed to epileptically shake her head in agreement and, at last, connect with the candidate.

No such luck. Instead, she rolled her eyes… Not the best manners for an interviewer, but seeing as the Cranky Product Manager is not exactly a, well, refined individual, she had no control over her clichéd response to his clichéd answer. The Cranky Product Manager already heard two other candidates spin the same old tired yarn that morning. In fact, she read a version of that I’m-a-powerless-product-manager-woe-is-me tale on at least one other blog that week (Product Beautiful, a great blog that the Cranky Product Manager recommends very highly, despite that one post).

But worse than trite, overused and unoriginal, this sentiment — universally shared by the world’s lamest and whiniest product managers, and even by some of the good ones — is way too self-congratulatory and is just plain wrong.

Yes, as a product manager, you are indeed responsible.  Your job is to corral and coordinate the hoards of developers, testers, marketers, writers, sales folks, support engineers,  professional services staff, and more — the entire cast of characters needed to successfully bring kick-ass products to market.

And, yes, as a product manager, it is true that you rarely have authority. No one (except maybe a few more junior product managers) reports to you. You can’t fire people for not taking your orders.

Cartman has *All the Responsibility but None of the Authority* But here’s the thing… SO WHAT!?  So these people don’t report to you. So they don’t have to respect your au-thor-i-tah.  Big frakin’ DEAL! If they DID report to you, do you honestly think your job would be any easier?  Do you think they’d magically start listening to you and doing what you say?

Last time the Cranky Product Manager checked, high tech product folk, no matter what their job functions, were not minimum wage workers. As intellect workers, high tech-ians don’t do anything  just because their bosses command it. Nope. Those damn independent thinkers need to be persuaded. They need to buy into the plan and then they act. Sure, sure, those folks might occasionally placate the powers-that-be by half-heartedly lying there, closing their eyes, and thinking of England. But that kind of soulless attempt to merely get the boss off, uh, your back… well, it’s usually worse than no attempt at all.

So, in this respect, those other “real” managers — and by “real” I mean managers who officially manage people — have just as tough a job as product managers. Probably tougher. People managers must ALSO corral and coordinate their people, and get them to do things that they wouldn’t normally consider if left to their own devices. Like product managers, they legitimately do so ONLY by persuading and inspiring. NOT by fear nor the unspoken threat of bad performance reviews or firings. NOT by flexing their so-called “authority.”

In fact, as someone experienced in both people and product management, let the Cranky Product Manager assure you that the only effective difference between a manager with “authority” and a manager without is that with authority comes a lot of tedious crap: paperwork galore, mind-numbing sexual harassment seminars, and — most dishearteningly — the occasional hell of laying off a subordinate who does a great job .

So, whiney product managers of the world, STOP bitching about “all the responsibility with none of the authority” right now. Get out of your minimum-wage-oriented headset and recognize that official authority is irrelevant to anyone in high tech companies. Instead consider, even if briefly, that your difficulty in getting others to follow your lead might be because your arguments are not compelling.

Or maybe, just maybe, they don’t listen because they know you think of them as minions who are motivated by fear. In other words, maybe you’re a jerk.

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This is Fiction. Get it?

by The Cranky Product Manager on November 7, 2006

in Blog Business

The Cranky Product Manager has received several emails asking about her real life, does she work here, does she work there, etc… Enough emails that she needs to address the issue explicitly.

So, people, huddle up. Here’s the deal:

  1. The Cranky Product Manager is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER that is loosely based on reality. She is based on the accumulated real-world experiences and observations of a several real-life product managers over the course of their long, multi-company careers. And yes, the author of this blog is a former software product manager/developer/consultant who has been doing this “software product” thing for a very long time for many companies.  But that doesn’t mean that even MOST of what you read here is actually true. It’s FICTION.
  2. Just to reiterate point #1, the Cranky Product Manager character is far more outspoken, obnoxious, and bitter than her real-life author. The Cranky Product Manager is so pissed off that you should never put her in front of a customer because she would totally go off on the next one who mentions the words “social networking.”  Rest assured, the real-world author is a bit more refined, at least on the surface.
  3. The company that the Cranky Product Manager works at — let’s call it “DysfunctoSoft” — is a FICTIONAL COMPANY rife with dysfunctional FICTIONAL characters, processes, and behaviors, yet somehow has a bunch of customers and occasionally manages to ship product.  The real-life author does not work at this company. This company is “the worst of the worst” that the author and her friends have ever experienced or ever heard about.
  4. Don’t bother trying to find out the Cranky Product Manager’s true identity. Just take it for granted that ANY detail of her persona that might possibly provide clues as to who she is in real life has been disguised / changed to protect her anonymity. FOR EXAMPLE, the Cranky Product Manager character is an in-the-trenches product manager, because that’s where all the humor is. The author, might have given up the software life to become a suitcase-wielding model on “Deal or No Deal.”  Or maybe she is not even a she, but a 300-lb prison inmate who uses the broken fingers of spineless release managers to remove popcorn kernels from between his teeth.

Is this the Cranky Product Manager?
Or is THIS the Cranky Product Manager?

Perhaps the author of the Cranky Product Manager blog is pictured here.  But you will never know…

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