Apologies to readers outside of the United States who give not a hoot about our presidential election. And advanced apologies to anyone offended by the semi-political nature of this post. The Cranky Product Manager just couldn’t resist, this one time.
1. The Cranky Product Manager is a mom to SIX kids, if you count her offspring (aka Cranky Kid) plus the five product managers on the Cranky Product Manager’s team. One of them has special needs, having previously been a sales engineer/droid. Another finds himself unexpectedly knocked up and managing a skunkworks product he did not know existed until last week (very embarrassing for the Cranky Product Manager).
2. The Cranky Product Manager has impeccable foreign policy credentials. She has successfully dealt with outsourced software development teams from India, China, and Cambodia. She also spends lots of time in California, and if you were a student of political science, you might know that California is right next to Mexico, a FOREIGN country. Further, the Cranky Product Manager’s nanny is from South America.
3. The Cranky Product Manager would take a strong stance in defense of Israel, because America needs more of their blunt matter-of-fact entrepreneurs to start companies here and employ us, all while they tell us we’re all fraking morons who have no fraking clue.
4. The Cranky Product Manager has successfully argued, many times, for disproportionate funding (“earmarks”) for the products under her tutelage. She didn’t even have to hire a lobbyist. A presentation to the CEO sufficed. A presentation with cute little drawings of businessmen leaping over line charts — exactly the kind of presentation that CEOs love.
5. The Cranky Product Manager gets her product’s strategic direction straight from The Big Guy. (Who needs to talk to customers when you have a direct line to God?) When challenged, she tells software engineers that certain product enhancements are “God’s will”. She’s also been known to pray for increases in software license revenue quarter over quarter, for her stock options to be worth something again one day, for the Teflon-gineer to be kept off her product, …
6-3. The Cranky Product Manager is a former beauty queen — voted Miss Computer Science by her college’s Student Information Processing Board. (Disclaimer: the photo to the left is NOT of the Cranky Product Manager, but of Ellen Spertus, a computer science professor and former winner of the Sexiest Geek Alive beauty pageant)
7. There is no seven…
8. While the Cranky Product Manager has never hunted or skinned moose, or even held a gun for that matter, back in the 70s her father designed one of the first CAD-CAM tools ever used to manufacture rifles. Also, the Cranky PM dissected (and quasi-skinned) a frog and a fetal pig in high school biology.
9. Rush Limbaugh would probably consider the Cranky Product Manager to be “a babe.” Just look at that photo of her jean-clad posterior on the masthead! HOT! Sizzlin’!
10. The Cranky Product Manager is able to work across party lines with both Democrats and Republicans to get things done. As evidence: despite hailing from an extremely blue coastal state , the Cranky Product Manager successfully worked with a remote development team in one of those square-shaped, red states in the middle of the country. The end result
was one kick-ass product that can UNITE divided nations, dammit!