Remember this? The Product Management Haikus (originally inspired by Pivotal PM)?
The Cranky PM is inspired to once again dust off her quill pen and write some more poetry. Poetry that no one but you folks would possibly understand.
If you are similarly inspired, post your own haiku in the comments! If yours makes the Cranky Product Manager laugh so much that she can be heard three cubicle rows away, she might send you a Cranky Product Manager mug. (ooo laaa laaa).
———-
Agile home building:
Slap up one room’s walls, paint them.
Add stylish decor.
Skip the foundation
Because its blueprint can’t fit
On a sticky note.
Can’t do roof, plumbing,
Or power, ‘cuz they need the
Whole house spec’d out first.
——–
Marketing weenie,
Please don’t add “Web 2.0″
To my product’s name.
———
Mister CEO,
Sorry, “everyone” is not
A market segment.
———
CEO replaced
My well researched pricing plan
With crap pulled from thin air
———
Sorry boss, I have
No time to tweet, blog and Facebook,
Plus do my real job.
{ 35 comments }
Blogged one time today
Really had nothing to say
But, so what the hey?
I know GM sir,
Dev is very backed up now,
But I still can’t code!
Oh engineering
Still driving the company
Build it they will buy!
Cranky PM posts
I read, grimace, weep and smile
in recognition
website project dead
trampled by the highest paid
person’s opinion
what’s the business case?
Developers, they ask this
only when it’s hard.
Sales guy: “Your product?
It sucks!” (Except when cashing
his commission checks)
PM’s fight about
Agile, Scrum and stuff. meanwhile,
the product sells not.
One more just because I’m on vacation….
Marketing QB
buys Suberbowl ads but gets
sacked at one yard line.
April: extra points for consistent use of a sports metaphor. Nice one!
Big client demo,
system crash at crucial part.
PM loses face.
Ask development
“What gives with the code Buddy?”
says “Works on my box.”
When I lose the deal
It’s because the product sucks
If we win it’s ME!
– Sales rainmaker
MRD written
Development over-runs
No time for QA
– Poor QA guy/gal
Do or not do
“I will try” is not enough
Says PM Yoda
– PM Master Yoda to R&D
I’m a PGM
Stuck in the middle between
Cranky PM cranky Dev
Still no MRD
Darkness falls across my desk
THE PAIN! LORD! THE PAIN!
Never enough time
In a six week sprint to fix
CEO’s pet peeves.
Customer, we will
Address all your pained requests,
Once we hire more devs.
Crow balks at pitcher.
More stones than needed first helped,
now whither the water?
Big Customer sends
Urgent Enhancement Request
Cranky PM rejects
One more:
Your research or what
he saw on television
who do *you* think wins?
Product Manager,
“Why do you get to decide?”
Dev, “cuz I code it.”
Gave full reqs to dev
And they did everything ‘cept
Make it go faster
Product Requirements
Flow from customer dollars
or dev man walking?
that’s all for now!
Your latest set of Haikus forwarded by a fellow product manager. Here’s my try:
Happy with my work
defined amazing product
Woops, no more budget
listening, talking
another day of meetings
no time at my desk
No time to beta
Wall Street has expectations
CEO must meet
How do we launch this
with one thousand test cases
and still no time
I want this launched soon
with QA as bottleneck
are we not agile?
I will launch this now
fully tested as can be
pop the champagne pop
what? more bugs you say?
one step forward two steps back
regression is futile oops
Google’s business plan in haiku form:
Search for “Hitler’s Brain”
Click on the ad for eBay
Google earns 10 cents
Reminiscing about past coworkers:
Japan Sales VP
Visits U.S. for strip clubs
Stop, Speed Racer, Stop
Reminiscing about the dot-bomb “recession”:
Work sixty hour weeks
Got promotion but no raise
Flip my boss the bird
My interaction with many recruiters I’ve dealt with lately:
“Are you in IT?”
Like asking a pharmacist:
“Are you a crack whore?”
And my synopsis of being a PM:
I write PRDs
Code monkeys fling poop at them
Sweet liquor eases pain
~fine~
Product Management:
always able to detail
what should have been built.
Roadmap updates are
Reasons for much discontent
Sales marches onward
Asking the question
3 times is not listening
But not management
Sales sold a plaything
of ether and fairy wings
I must make it sing
And another:
Days on MRD
Development reeks of weeks
Features incomplete
Product Marketer.
Thinks he’s Product Manager.
Sigh. Pragmatic, eh?
So what I think is
irrelevant? Then who draws
Your god damned wire frames?
Listen to the gentle sound
of water, PM-sister.
It is your spec flushing.
Question, please answer!
If we designed it from scratch
Knowing what we know
Would it look like a
“Better bad” – pig plus lipstick
Or quite different?
On the bitch list, it
Appears so very often!
Too many complaints!!
Question, please answer
If we designed it from scratch
Knowing what we know…
Prod managers gone
Dev carries the road map now
Burning down the house
Cranky PM gone?
No postings in a long time
Who will help us vent?
Partner Selected
But no due diligence first
Wonder why no sales
Counterproductive
Everyone wants to PM
but not do details
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