Product management, product marketing, and the ugly side of software product development.
From the category archives:
Searching for a Christmas present for that wicked awesome product manager?
BUY A CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER MUG!
The Cranky Product Manager created a brand spankin’ new design, to wrap around mugs, water bottles, and travel mugs. Check it:
And of course, the usual mugs are still for sale:
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Right now, stop reading this post and go vote for the Cranky Product Manager in the Computer Weekly blog awards, category: proJECT management (don’t ask…). HURRY UP!!!! There’s only about 1 day left.
The Cranky Product Manager came in SECOND in this category in 2008 (see here and here), but THIS TIME SHE DESERVES to WIN. Well, not really, but since when does “deserving” have anything to do with a product management award (not naming names, but you KNOW who you are…)?
If the Cranky Product Manager wins this totally unbelievably amazing award, she’s totally going to spend its massive CASH PRIZE on wicked awesome stuff like the following: 
It’s all for the good of the Product Management Profession! TRULY. My GAWD isn’t the Cranky Product Manager so FRAKIN’ GENEROUS. What a saint she is.
So, VOTE ALREADY.
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This is brief, because it hurts to type. True physical pain.
The Cranky PM has H1N1 – 0r as one reader termed it, “porkulosis”. No doubt, it is some kind of cosmic retribution for her executing a near flawless product launch earlier this week, and then bragging about it on Twitter.
Unfortunately, this means that the Cranky Product Manager will be unable to speak at Business of Software 2009.
She is SO sorry and very, very disappointed. She had her wig and sunglasses all set to go, and had been working on her presentation for weeks. (Maybe she’ll record it as a webinar some day, so that the effort does not go to waste). She was really looking forward to attending the conference and learning at the feet of gurus like Geoffrey Moore (her hero) and Joel Spolsky.
Damn you, swine flu!
In the Cranky PM’s stead, @NeilDavidson, the fearless organizer of Business of Software 2009 will be doing a talk on the “weird pyschology of software pricing.” Very interesting topic, and it is sure to be a great presentation.
Anyway, the Cranky PM is super-duper sorry. She feels like she really let you down. She hopes to try again next year at Business of Software 2010 in Boston.
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Hello,
As you might know, the Cranky Product Manager is scheduled to speak at the Business of Software 2009 conference. In a crazy-ass wig and sunglasses. As if that really disguised anyone. Maybe the CPM should get one of those Scooby-Doo Villain masks….
Ack. Focus, CPM!
The topic: the Cranky Product Manager is gonna talk about the big dysfunctions that seem endemic to nearly all B2B software vendors:
1. Marketing lies – intentional and unintentional.
2. Ridiculously complicated licensing, option-itis, and near-malignant product proliferation.
3. Wrongly applying the 80/20 rule to product development (example: delivering a product that does only 20% of the main use case, yet expecting 80% of the product’s potential revenue)
The request for your help:
OK, the Cranky PM wouldn’t have known the above were nearly universal ills, if it were not for her readers sharing their woes that were eerily similar. But she still feels dissatisfied. Needs more woe-sharing.
So, as she prepares this little talk, the Cranky Product Manager could use a bit of help. From YOU. Just answer some questions. Share your stories. Email ‘em to crankypm@crankypm.com.
Rest assured, that while your stories will be fodder for my session, I will definitely disguise any info you want and protect your confidentiality. Promise.
PLEASE HELP A SISTAH! Email the Cranky PM!
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The Cranky Product Manager has gone all new-agey — doing yoga and eating organic food and crap like that…rethinking life, trying to think positive (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”) and all. (What’s next? Macrame?)
Anyway, perhaps as a result, the Cranky Product Manager’s body has become less poluted and her psyche a bit more courageous. More intrepid. Less of a chicken-shit. And as such, the CPM has actually started SPEAKING… out LOUD! And you, gentle readers, can even listen in.
First, there was a podcast with the illustrious ho-bag Forrester analyst Tom Grant, back in June.
And then, there was the recent podcast with the celebrated Michael Ray Hopkin, proprietor of the glorious Lead on Purpose Blog and The Product Management Pulse.
Check em’ out. We discuss all kinda fun stuff, like, is product management the best job or the most wretched? Where should PM report in the organization (don’t PMs just LOVE to debate that one)? How do you handle those pesky Sales Droids? Why do you sometime have to shoot your product in the head?
Note that in both podcasts, the Cranky Product Manager’s “real voice” has been distorted mightily, and that her hideous cackle-laugh has been replaced with an equally horrendous, yet different, cackle-laugh. The Cranky PM is not that courageous yet, folks. (You will, however, determine that that Cranky Product Manager has a quintessential middle-America accent. Go do some detective work with that.)
Next up? The Cranky Product Manager is going to speak IN THE FLESH at The Business of Software 2009 Conference (a Joel of Software Conference) in San Francisco, November 9-11. It should be a WICKED AWESOME conference. The possibility of meeting the adorably brilliant Joel Spolsky and her hero Geoffrey Moore (not to mention the wicked awesomeness of Kathy Sierra, Heidi Roizen, Don Norman and Paul Graham) is why the Cranky Product Manager decided to take on this risky adventure.
Needless to say, the Cranky PM is scared s#!#less. She’s not yet sure how she’ll handle the anonymity issue — should she “come out”? Wear a wig and sunglasses? Hire a devastatingly attractive model to go in her place? Take lessons from that douche David Blaine on how to enter and escape from a conference room without witnesses? Or what…?
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ASIDE:
Maybe it’s time to just come out and get it over with. A wise reader recently forwarded the Cranky Product Manager this advice from famous blogger Penelope Trunk – she says to blog under your real name, as someone whose anonymous blog went so awry that she ended up chaning her REAL NAME to her pen name. And while the Cranky Product Manager is DEFINITELY not EVER going to change her real name to “Cranky PM”, it did give her food for thought….
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You “regular” people will probably never understand this, but it is TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH being a fictional product management celebrity. (Please, cry for me, Argentina.)
For one, the paparazzi never leave you alone.
Second, you never get any ”real-world” Web-2.0 cred – even at a time when everyone else is vomiting ”social media brand-building” all over their resumes. Well, guess who has more social media cred than 95% of you? THE CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER, THAT’S WHO. But does the Cranky PM get to brag about such things on her “real world” resume, and maybe angle for a better paying job (or at least keep the one she has)? HELL NO. In this respect, the CPM’s “real world” resume looks like a 60-year-old grandma’s (see note 1).
Third drawback? Well, every now and then, an attention-whoring, self-promoting, link-baiting JACKASS has the AUDACITY to call you FICTIONAL!
GAH! How DARE he? That JACKASS!
But then the CPM is like, “Well, DUH, of COURSE I’m fictional!”
But CRIPES it ticks her off, especially when he further posits that the CPM is a project of a commercial firm, written by someone who is familiar with product management but never had the role, and that the author is just making shit up in her posts.
So the CPM debated the issue with herself:
CHOICE #1: Bitch about it on Twitter for 60 seconds and then move on. Reasons for:
CHOICE #2: Defend self & take The Jackass to task. Reasons for:
Hmm…. Well, Choice #1 seems to be the most rational, thoughtful choice. But the CPM has been dealing all day with a whining toddler who has apparently forgotten everything about using the potty. She is on her last nerve and therefore she unwisely picks Choice #2.
SO, FOR THE RECORD, the following is THE TRUTH:
The Jackass claims any PM would be fired if s/he called sales people to develop a product forecast. OK… well, maybe if the product manager was enslaved at one of those dreary companies with which The Jackass is familiar, where the primary (sole?) function of the so-called Product Manager is ”keeper of the tick-list.” The Cranky Product Manager can’t comment on that type of company because she has never — and would never – work at a place with such an profoundly limited view of the product management role; her jobs have always had more of a “Product Leader” (both tactical and strategic), “Voice of the Market,” and ”Buck Stops Here” emphasis.
But even at that dismal type of company, the PM would NOT be fired if the CEO ordered her to call individual sales reps to build a forecast. Seriously, Jackass, did you even READ the post?
The Cranky Product Manager has to say, she is really dismayed by The Jackass’s small-minded view of product management, especially given his own history in the PM trenches. Thank Cheezus she never worked for or with him. Keeper of the Tick-list! GAH! The CPM thought we left that limited definition behind over 10 years ago.
That The Jackass is out there proselytizing this outmoded view… well it makes the CPM sad. Very sad. Because he might be undoing the good work others (including the PM training firms that The Jackass disparages) have done educate senior executives and to show how the product management role can operate at its finest. And, frankly, it’s an insult to PMs everywhere for him to present the 5% of the job that is the most boring and trivial as the whole picture of the product management profession.
But, gentle readers, it might surprise you that the Cranky PM agrees with the Jackass on one main point: if the PM function reports into you, if you think product management’s main job is maintaining the tick-list, and if you simply cannot be convinced otherwise, well then the Cranky Product Manager URGES you to do what the Jackass recommends. Automate away the PM role with some kind of feature voting tool.
Why? Because the CPM does not want to WASTE HER TIME applying for your so-called “product management” job. She’d rather focus her energy on companies that want someone to research customer problems, to be the voice of the MARKET (and not just current customers), to develop visions and road maps for the product’s future, to develop business cases and product strategies, to shepherd new products from concept to reality, and to properly position products and successfully launch them. And she will then KICK YOUR PRODUCT’S ASS since you ignored all those activities, concentrating on “feature votes” from current customers instead of focusing on the MARKET problems and solutions that land the customers you don’t yet have, and thus providing the only real avenue for growth.
‘Nuff said. Now excuse the Cranky Product Manager while she gets back to getting a fictional pedicure while sipping a fictional margarita on a fictional tropical beach.
(Oh, and thanks to Tom Grant for chivalrously defending the Cranky Product Manager’s honor.)
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Note 1: For those of you who suggest that the Cranky PM’s real world author establish her own independent social media presence…. well, she tried that. Let’s just say it is the road to madness and to getting caught. If you are a highly distractible and semi-careless individual like the Cranky PM, you will — without a doubt — tweet/email/blog/update from the wrong account. Trust her. She’s done it, a few times. How the Cranky Product Manager’s true identity continues to remain a secret is a miracle.
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Hey! Look! It’s a new Cranky Product Manager mug!
It declares to the world “I AM A CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER.”
You should get yourself one. It’s WICKED AWESOME.
PM leaders, just think of it. Finally, the perfect present for your team of put-upon product managers–those hard-working, in-the-trenches professionals that get no love, no appreciation, no free trips to the Bahamas, and no credit. And, given this economy, they probably get no bonuses or no pay raises this year either.
You gotta do something for them, right? Something to stave off their burnout for at least another year…
Here’s an Elegant Solution(TM): GIVE THEM MUGS!
Just imagine how spiffy you will all look at team meetings, each clutching your very own cranky mug.
The first 50 mugs sold get special pricing of $12.99 for the small, and $14.99 for the large. After that, the prices will go up by $1.50 each.
You can also get a WICKED AWESOME travel mug too. That’s what the real-life CPM is getting.
So BUY NOW. Who says you can’t buy for next Christmas now?
Oh, and if you also want to buy some 7 Types of Engineer mugs, you’ll find them here.
Thanks, and ENJOY.
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Yo, the Cranky Product Manager has a few loose ends to clear up. Questions from readers that have gone unanswered, things the CPM promised to do but forgot about, things she meant to do, … that type of thing.
First off, the Cranky Product Manager needs to send a shout-out to cartoonist extraordinaire and human behind the Meeshka World blog. She did all the cartoons for the 7 Types of Engineers. The Cranky PM was a beeyotch and forgot to publicly thank Meeshka’s person for all the help. THANKS!
Second, some answers to questions the Cranky Product Manager was asked long ago and neglected to answer:
1. “Cranky Product Manager, are you really a woman?
Yes. The author of this blog is indeed in possession of two X chromosomes, other feminine body equipment, and an ass that goes on for days. And days. Hmm… Ok, well, maybe weeks….
…Years, anyone?
2. “Is this blog really written by just one person?”
Yes. With the exception of one post that was clearly labeled as a guest post back in August, every single post has come from the tortured mind of one –and JUST one — sarcastic and embittered (but WICKED AWESOME) individual.
So far, that is. The Cranky Product Manager is getting a little burned out on blogging lately, and wouldn’t mind getting some help. A blog is a beast that must be constantly fed — no time for rest unless you want your readership to plummet like the real estate market. So expect some guest posts in the future, but they will all be clearly labeled.
(AS IN TOMORROW. GUEST POST TOMORROW.)
If you are interested in being a guest poster, drop the Cranky Product Manager an email (crankypm AT crankypm.com) or send her a tweet. Three rules for guest posting: 1) be cranky, 2) don’t be sexist/racist, 3) replace swears with more PG-rated phrases.
3. “Has this blog changed hands at any point?”
No. This blog was started in June 2006 and for the past 2.5 years has been written by one person — the SAME pathetic person the entire time.
4. “Cranky PM, is that really your ass in the blog’s masthead photo?”
Only in the Cranky Product Manager’s fantasies. And this blog is her fictional fantasy, where she gets to tell everyone exactly what she thinks.
5. “Have you sold out?”
Hah! That would imply someone is buying. Yes, the Cranky Product Manager tries to make a few bucks to cover web hosting costs and her obscene triple-grande-nonfat-latte habit via:
The above are the only attempts at revenue — no pay-per-post shenanigans, no recommending products the CPM doesn’t actually like, none of that crap.
But pretty much none of you click on ads or buy mugs, so BIG THANKS for that.
6. “Do I know you, Cranky Product Manager?”
Probably not. But wondering is half the fun, isn’t it?
7. “Help! I’m a female PM who is somewhat blunt and EVERYONE accuses me of being the Cranky Product Manager. What should I do?”
Do what the Cranky Product Manager does. Deny it. Flat out. Say “It’s not me. In fact I feel sorry for her, she seems like such a bitter person.”
That’s right, you heard it. The real Cranky Product Manager just lies when confronted with that most-dreaded question. Right after she has a panic attack, throws up in her wastebasket, and starts sweating profusely.
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