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funny

Quantum Whisper was kind enough to supply the Cranky PM with expensive lattes this month.  They are a wicked awesome company that links customer feedback to your backlog.  Crank-tastic!

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At LONG LAST, the World's Most Generic Product Management Interview wraps up.

The Cranky Product Manager will just say that creating these videos is a lot more tedious than you might expect. Especially since she is a lousy speller and the xtranormal thing lacks spell check. She is really sick of those monotone voices! So this will be the VERY LAST CARTOON for a while.

(And if you received this post via email or your RSS reader and cannot see the embedded video/cartoon, view it here.)
 

Check it, Part 6, THE FINAL CHAPTER!

And if you haven't seen the previous videos, find them here.

PARTS 1 &  2 - The interview dress code.  The first slew of generic questions.

PART 3 - Even more generic questions.  Round manholes, anyone?

PART 4 - Questions that require you be a much better PM than the hiring manager.

PART 5 - Do you have any questions for me?

PART 6 - The Final Chapter - What are the next steps?

( And don't forget to buy your colleagues holiday gifts.  How 'bout some Cranky PM mugs? )

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Harvester Research and Analyst 2.0

by The Cranky Product Manager on August 13, 2010

in Analysts

Oh goodness.  The Cranky Product Manager realizes that this April Fool's send-up of technology analysts has been creeping around the Internet for well over a year.  But, alas, this is the first time she saw it.

Please read.  Very funny stuff. It's about Harvester Research's launch of ForceSales.com, the industry's first Analyst-as-a-Service (Aaas) offering.

The Cranky Product Manager especially likes the Harvester frameworks: the Harvester Fave, the Harvester Magic Kingdom , and the Harvester Market Dream Cycle.  

 

 

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Power Post: Quickie Observations on Life in the Software Industry

by The Cranky Product Manager on January 22, 2010

in The PM Profession

The Cranky Product Manager has been neglectful of this here blog, once again. Good thing she’s not being paid to do it or anything, or else she’d be so totally fired.

Anyway, to break through the Huge Writer’s Block that has been in her way for the last 7 weeks or so, the Cranky PM is taking on a Big Ass Writing Challenge! To write an entire blog post in a mere 5 minutes! She’s calling it — wait for it — POWER POSTING! (you can tell she’s in software marketing because she thinks her completely boring, uncreative title is totally wicked awesome).

So here we go. And just a warning, it probably won’t be funny because the Cranky PM ain’t no Chris Rock — she usually thinks of her jokes about an hour too late.

THINGS THE CRANKY PM HAS OBSERVED ABOUT THE SOFTWARE INDUSTRY

1. As annoying as those Sales Droids can be, they sure are fun to party with! And there’s nothing like having a conversation with someone who can actually, well, CONVERSE. Not to say your average developer can’t, but well, your average developer can’t. Unless it is about design patterns or Star Trek. And speaking of Star Trek, OMFG isn’t the new James T. Kirk, actor Chris Pine, just HOT? Yum.

2. Ever notice that at the Big All-Hands Company Meetings, that the Product Managers always ask WAY more than their share of the questions?

3. The Cranky PM has yet to meet a tech writer who can write a decent white paper. Didn’t these people ever try to convince their mothers to let them stay out late with the rest of those hard-partying High School Math-letes? (Or was that just the Cranky PM?) Is writing PERSUASIVELY really that hard?

4. Even though DysfunctoSoft is supposedly “Agile”, the Process Hawks still require about 2 man-weeks of documentation with N levels of sign offs, just to add a single check-box to a page in the UI.

5. If you’re a software company that actually ships working product to paying customers, don’t acquire a start-up whose founders are some professor and/or a collection of former grad students. They’ll never actually ship anything (they have no idea how to), and within one year all those brilliant minds you acquired will be out the door, looking for work at another academic-oriented outfit that never ships anything.

6. Marketing Weenies: please don’t post copies of press releases to the company “blog” and claim you’re doing “Social Media.”  Please.

OK, five minutes are up.  Later.

 

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The Enlightened Stupid Marketer (a marvelous video)

by The Cranky Product Manager on June 3, 2009

in Marketing

Thanks to Midlakewinter for the link to this very-funny-but-in-an-uncomfortable-kind-of-way video, entitled the Enlightened Stupid Marketer.

It’s especially uncomfortable if you play it for your marketing weenie husband… in response to his declaring that product functionality is irrelevant to product success.  And as a crabby-ass beeyotch and an extremely insecure individual, the Cranky Product Manager took this wrong-headed statement as a personal attack on her career choice.  So, she decided to poke him where it hurts, the extremely mature individual that she is.

WATCH THAT VIDEO, MARKETING WEENIE HUSBAND.  WATCH!

Enjoy!

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Return of the Product Management Haiku (now with extra fun)

by The Cranky Product Manager on April 23, 2009

in The PM Profession

Remember this?  The Product Management Haikus (originally inspired by Pivotal PM)?

The Cranky PM is inspired to once again dust off her quill pen and write some more poetry.  Poetry that no one but you folks would possibly understand.

If you are similarly inspired, post your own haiku in the comments!  If yours makes the Cranky Product Manager laugh so much that she can be heard three cubicle rows away, she might send you a Cranky Product Manager mug. (ooo laaa laaa).

———-

Agile home building:
Slap up one room’s walls, paint them.
Add stylish decor.

Skip the foundation
Because its blueprint can’t fit
On a sticky note.

Can’t do roof, plumbing,
Or power, ‘cuz  they need the
Whole house spec’d out first.

——–

Marketing weenie,
Please don’t add “Web 2.0″
To my product’s name.

———

Mister CEO,
Sorry, “everyone” is not
A market segment.

———

CEO replaced
My well researched pricing plan
With crap pulled from thin air

———

Sorry boss, I have
No time to tweet, blog and Facebook,
Plus do my real job.

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Guest Post: The Cranky Engineer Responds to a PRD

by The Cranky Product Manager on April 1, 2009

in Development,Guest Posts

Today we have a super-duper-uber-fantastic guest post from the Cranky Engineer, aka DGentry of codingrelic.geekhold.com. Check out his blog.  It’s WICKED AWESOME.

Also, you might recall that DGenery was the BIG WINNER of the Cranky Product Manager’s caption contest for the “7 Types of Engineers.” He won a fancy pants coffee mug.  AND HE LOVES IT.  Maybe YOU should buy a coffee mug too….

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From: Cranky Engineer #4
To: Product Manager #4
Date: Apr 1, 2009
Subject: Twitter reliability enhancement functional spec

Got your PRD about the 3G connectivity issues at the SXSW conference and the resulting drop in twitter volume, thanks. We couldn’t help but notice the lack of any actual requirements in the requirements document, but the main point seemed to be to “make it mo’ betta.” As mobile tower placement is subject to considerable regulation, we presume that the PRD is not calling for a build-out of a new national 3G network, but rather to eliminate dependencies on external factors beyond our control. Thus:

  • No dependency on mobile network capacity
  • No impact from density of surrounding buildings or obstacles
  • No necessity for the presence or absence of electricity.
  • No requirement for the user to own or know how to operate a computer

I think we’ve come up with a proposal which meets these requirements. The only remaining dependency is literacy. As we do not control the educational system in this country, this dependency may also need to be eliminated in a future version of this document.

Abstract of Proposal

Twitter usage is growing robustly, but is hampered by insufficient network capacity at heavily attended tech events such as SXSW and anywhere Steve Jobs gets up on a stage. Tweet volume from such events is lower than would be expected due to the connectivity issues.

It is proposed that designated drop zones be established at major tech events, where conference attendees can send and receive tweets. To avoid any dependency on telco infrastructure, tweets will be delivered to these TweetDrops by a robust and innovative mechanism.

1. Encoding

Each 140 character tweet is printed on a 5 mm wide paper strip, which is laminated and wrapped about the leg of a single carrier pigeon. The tweet is printed using a standard UPC barcode for ease of decoding at the remote end. The lamination is not necessary in theory, but in practice the messages often need to be wiped clean before processing (these are pigeons, after all).

2. Ordered Delivery

Conversations become difficult to follow if tweets are delivered out of order, but ordering is not guaranteed by the underlying network topology in this case. Therefore an 8 bit sequence number will be prepended to the barcode, which will be used to re-order pigeons arriving at the destination.

With 8 bits for sequencing information, only 256 pigeons can be launched at a time. The next wave of pigeons cannot be launched until it is certain that all members of the previous wave have left the system. To achieve acceptable throughput the natural lifespan of the pigeons cannot be used for this purpose.
Therefore, a small explosive device is fitted before launch to place a strong upper bound on the Time To Live (TTL) for that tweet. The next wave of tweets can be launched when the TTL for the previous wave has expired.

3. Loss detection

Due to the TTL mechanism employed for robust ordering it is possible that tweets will be dropped (or, more properly, exploded) in transit. To allow for retransmission an additional 8 bit acknowledgment field will be prepended to the barcode, and used to implement a sliding window protocol. (XXX Hang on, are we reinventing TCP here? Let’s have a sit-down about this before you forward it to PM, or we’ll end up rat-holing on this topic.)

Though lost tweets are expected to be a serious burden during initial deployment of this technology, it is believed that natural selection will result in a more reliable infrastructure as the less dependable population of pigeons is removed from the breeding stock by the TTL mechanism.

4. Operational Issues

The operations cost of this infrastructure is expected to be high, due to the need for replacement of pigeons whose TTL expired in transit. It is proposed that a breeding program be established in order to replenish capacity at minimal cost. This also nicely solves the problem of providing something for the pigeons to do between major tech events.

5. Direction of Future Work

The necessity of printing each tweet on a strip of paper and scanning the paper at the destination is a serious bottleneck in the communications path. A more efficient mechanism would be to download the tweets directly into the carrier pigeon via an existing Twitter API. Unfortunately the pigeons have strongly resisted attempts to implement any such mechanism.

The TTL mechanism can reasonably be expected to elicit a negative response from both animal rights activists and civil defense authorities, and should be considered only a temporary measure to reduce the time to market. A subsequent update to the infrastructure should investigate use of electromagnets to confuse the carrier’s natural homing instinct and send them somewhere where the tweet payload they carry will be harmless.

6. Security Considerations

No thorough analysis of the security of the carrier pigeon transport has been conducted. Because each pigeon will follow a different route to the destination owing to differences in wind currents, temperature gradients, and mood, it is unlikely that an attacker would be able to capture an entire conversation.
Additionally the TTL mechanism discourages interception of the pigeons in flight.

Encryption of the tweet payload is acceptable only if the pigeons can be guaranteed not to cross from within the United States to another sovereign nation, as such would violate US export and munitions laws.

7. References

[1] D. Waitzman, “A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers,” RFC 1149, 1 April 1990.

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