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10 Things That Piss Off the Cranky Product Manager

by The Cranky Product Manager on January 12, 2009

in The PM Profession

Here are 10 things that make the Cranky Product Manager so frakin’ ANNOYED that she’s getting one of those bite plate things. You know, to keep her from grinding her teeth into small nubs while she sleeps. No doubt, the mouth plate will drive her husband WILD.

Here they are, listed in no particular order (and these are by no means the “top 10 of all time,” but are just for today):

  1. Endless arguments about the worth of product planning via a top-down process versus a bottom-up process.
  2. EVERYONE claiming they are strategic. Will NO ONE ever acknowledge that their job or abilities are primarily tactical?
  3. Insincere CEOs who ask the Cranky Product Manager about her Cranky Kid, but cut her off four words into her answer.
  4. Developers who think the Cranky Product Manager is some kind of user interface expert.
  5. Developers who ask for the ROI of each and every aspect of a feature. Example: What’s the ROI of the user being able to save his work?  Honestly, how are you supposed to do this? And is it even worth it?
  6. Engineering managers who think that delivering  50% of a feature should result in 50% of the revenue. Usually, a half-baked feature is worse than no feature at all!
  7. CEOs who move entire release schedules by 6 months or more during quarterly earnings announcements.
  8. Product Marketing weenies who are too “visionary” and “big picture” to bother trying to use the product – even though it is targeted at business users (not tech people).
  9. Customers who demand you support operating systems and platforms so old that you can’t obtain them anymore.
  10. Maintaining the frakin’ Supported Platforms List.  ARGH.  Is anything more thankless or tedious?

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What a jackass the Cranky Product Manager is.  Before she knew that he would “violently” disagree with her (shame on him!), the Cranky Product manager promised Saeed of the excellent  On Product Management blog that she would post about his blog’s nomination for an uber-prestigious Canadian Blog Award in the category Best Professional/Career Blog.  But alas, the Cranky Product Manager did not act right away. She waited, thinking Thursday would be a good day for said post.

And so Thursday, today, arrives, and just as the CPM was revving up and writing a glorious call-to-action to help the On Product Management crew reap their just rewards, she discovers that “voting round 1″ is now over, and alas Saeed/Alan/Ethan did not advance to round 2.

F$&*.  The Cranky Product Manager feels partially responsible for this utter travesty of justice.  If only she got off her lazy ass and wrote a post earlier. Maybe it would have helped. What a turd she is.

Alas, the Cranky Product Manager flaked and broke her word. There’s no decent way to make up for this, but the CPM is going to try.  Here goes….

If you haven’t checked out On Product Management do so now. Below are some of the Cranky Product Manager’s favorite posts, most of which give their unique take on the reality of Agile product development. Unlike most others writing on Agile, these guys don’t just drone on with the Agile party line. Instead they make though-provoking observations and arguments that you have not read anywhere else. Examples:

  • Annoyed by newly Agile-ized developers who act like they invented the concept of getting customer feedback?  Check out Is Product Management Agile?
  • Why Agile/Scrum is not a panacea, and commentary on the ironic inflexibility of some agile proponents: Agile/Scrum Reality Check.  (Was going to say “rigidity” instead of “inflexibility”, but kept snickering like Butt-head.)
  • Agile/Scrum and Product Management – Parts 1, 2, 3, 3a, and 4. (whew! lots of reading, but worth it).
  • Also, check out the hilarious Uninterruptible Power Supply Saga (don’t forget to read the comments): part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4.

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The Cranky Product Manager has read, and listened, and pondered, and debated, and bit her tongue over the years, as others have debated the proper place in the organization for the Product Management function.  Should it be in Engineering? Or in Marketing? Or in its own Products organization that reports directly to the CEO?

Not surprisingly, the answer depends on who you ask.

If you ask the CodeBoyz and CodeGrrlz, they generally think PM should be in Engineering. Because then the PMs could be forced to hang out in the Agile Tomb all day with the engineers. And because some CodeBoyz and CodeGrrlz think the PM should even pitch in and write some code now and then (a generally bad idea – see footnote 1).

If you ask the Marketing Weenies, well, naturally they want Product Management to be part of Marketing. Because then the Product Managers would somehow be more focused on customers and THE MARKET. Because, supposedly, you can’t focus on THE MARKET unless the letters M, A, R, K, E, and T are in your group’s name, in that order.

And if you ask many of illustrious luminaries and pundits that consult and train on the fine art of Product Management… well, they will all tell you that Product Management is such a strategic function that it should report directly to the CEO. Screw Engineering and Marketing!  We need a pipeline to the Big Cheese! And this is all fine and good, especially if you are the VP or Director of PM and want the ego boost of saying you report directly to the CEO. You could then give both the VP of Engineering and the VP of Marketing the finger if you so desire!

Anyway, for a long time the Cranky Product Manager has read these various arguments churning about in the blogo-sphere-iverse, and something about them — no matter what their theory or conclusion — pissed her off.  Just a little. And she couldn’t quite figure out why.

Until now. It’s the assumptions underlying this debate that irritate her.

The assumption is that if we sit in Engineering we’ll be too spineless and too tunnel-visioned to focus on the customer, market problems, issues for the field, the competition, or market positioning.  But if we sit in Marketing that we’ll be so focused on empty soundbites and website color schemes that we won’t be able to give Development detailed enough requirements, that we’ll conjure up product features that can’t possibly be built (a la Warp Drive), and that we’ll stare vacantly into space instead of considering technical extension points (i.e. APIs) for our products.

What a bunch of crap.

On the one hand, all these proselytizing and theorizing folk say that Product Managers need to be these gifted cross-functional leaders and act as CEOs of their products, but then on the other hand they don’t trust these Product Managers to do so, based on nothing more than where the Product Management function sits within the organization.

For the Cranky Product Manager, and for every decent product manager she has ever asked, EVERY SINGLE decision made as a product manager comes down to the following two questions:

1. Is this the right thing for my product?

2. Is this the best thing, out of all the possible “right” things, for my product?

GOOD product managers are obsessed with doing the RIGHT thing for their products – their bosses opinions be damned, and their bosses’ bosses opinions too.  They will fight tooth and nail to make the right things happen, to prioritize the activities that will move the needle the most (i.e. make the most money).  Whatever needs to be done to make the product a success.

This holistic, obsessive, determined, and pig-headed attitude is WHY good product managers are respected throughout their organizations.  It’s why people from different functions listen to them. It’s why they have credibility. It’s why they get stuff done. And, it’s why they are often “challenging” to manage, especially if your agenda includes items other than product success.

If good PMs were able to be easily pushed around by their VP’s latest political maneuverings, well they were probably not good PMs anyway. If this seems to be your challenge, well maybe you need to reconsider how you are evaluating your PMs – are you sure it’s based on their RESULTS and not their docility?

Anyway, possession of this do-it-right-and-do-it-best attitude has very little to do with WHERE the product manager sits in the organization.  It has everything to do with the personality, passion, and focus on results that each product manager brings to the job.

So instead of pondering this infernal, and pointless, organizational design question, perhaps we should focus on hiring the RIGHT types of people of Product Management jobs.

Read what others have said about this topic:

Footnotes:

1. Having product managers code is a dumb, dumb idea – trust the Cranky Product Manager. She’s a
fantabulous product manager but at this point has forgotten more about writing code than she ever learned. Like playing a musical instrument, coding is something you need to do on a regular basis to be anything but a crappy programmer.  Plus, it take the efforts of two mediocre programmers to undo the damage done by one crappy programmer. If a good PM has time to code often enough to not be completely crappy, he/she should probably instead spend that time looking for new market problems or doing competitive analysis.

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Gift Ideas for Product Managers

by The Cranky Product Manager on December 1, 2008

in Biz Travel

Today is “Cyber Monday” and no doubt you are wondering what type of elaborate Christmas present you should buy your favorite product manager. Keeping in mind, of course, that you better give a WICKED AWESOME present, given that product managers never get awards and hardly ever get thanks. You need to make up for years of wrongs here. Fortunately for you, the Cranky Product Manager has a few suggestions.

Behold her list of gizmos that make her product management life a bit more bearable – things that the Cranky Product Manager honestly uses almost every single day and swears by. And yes, they are nearly all gizmos. Because she is a geek at heart. Most support the business travel lifestyle that PMs take part in 25-50% of the time.

First, a BlackBerry. The Cranky Product Manager likes the BlackBerry Curve the best, but will admit the Storm looks cool. Why BlackBerry? Because it is so much easier than a laptop at dealing with the onslaught of >200 daily emails that come in at all hours of the night and day from all corners of the world. When her Cranky Kid wakes up screaming “MOMMMMYYYYYYY” at 3 am, she goes help him find his stuffed monkey, and then handles about 10 emails. Awesome-ness. Oh, while the Cranky Product Manager loves her BlackBerry (she’s been loyal for many years), she knows some PMs prefer the iPhone – also an excellent Christmas gift.

Next, the Cranky Product Manager recommends this handy little MP3 voice recorder (with a built-in USB stick) and its companion telephone microphone and case. The CPM uses it to record all interviews with customers (with their consent) – both in-person and over the phone. The telephone microphone fits in your ear, and then you hold your phone to that ear. Anyway, this gizmo is the secret of the Cranky PM’s credibility with Development. They think she has a photographic memory because she is able to recall all manner of obscure detail about customer problems and use cases. Not so – the CPM just listens to these recordings over and over during her commute. She’s got those customer issues memorized.

 Another excellent present for your product manager is a telephone headset for his home phone. More than likely, he has many late night conference calls to Asia, early morning calls to Europe, or both.  A headset would greatly improve his mood as he takes these calls in his pajamas and prevent neck pain.

Want to improve your PM’s mood even MORE during the above-mentioned early-morning and wicked late conference calls?  Get her a decent espresso machine. Because the Cranky Product Manager has a kid and no time for that elaborate espresso ritual – grinding beans, packing grounds, steaming milk, cleaning the damn machine, etc. – she recommends a Nespresso machine that uses espresso pods. Push one button and out pops a very good cup of espresso in about 30 seconds. If the Cranky Product Manager wants a latte, she presses one button on the silver frother thingie to get perfectly foamy milk.

OK, PM-LADIES-IN-DA-HOUSE, listen up. You need this rolling laptop bag. Someone should buy you one for the Holidays. The Cranky Product Manager loves this bag so much she writes it creepy fan mail and draws “CPM+Sassy Laptop Bag” in tiny hearts on her book covers. Why? Because 1) It comes it colors besides black (green! red! orange! pink! tan! blue!), 2) It’s roomy – it can hold TWO laptops, a mess of power adaptors plus papers, 3) It’s wicked durable – the Cranky Product Manager has beat up on this bag for years now, and 4) It fits under an airplane seat.

Next – an iGo Everywhere power adaptor, with the combo wall/airplane/car charger and tips that can charge your laptops, phone, iPod, etc… Lightens the load and has a nice long extension cord.

A BlackBerry keyboard.  Help your favorite PM get some real work done like editing documents -while stuck waiting on the airport tarmac.

Also recommended is a roll-aboard suitcase that can deal with the abuse of traveling 5-6 days a month for years on end. Alas, the Cranky Product Manager cannot recommend such a suitcase at this time. Her case with the 10 year warranty gave it up after just 3 years.

Now go and make your favorite Product Manager’s Christmas a good one. Just remember to include gift receipts in case you end up giving the real-life Cranky Product Manager something she already has.  

Oh, OK. The Cranky Product Manager knows you have no intention of buying an elaborate gift for your product manager.  Oh well. She had to try. She does ask one thing, though. Give your PM a nice card thanking him/her for all the hard work.  Product Management is so often thankless and unappreciated – it means a lot to us when others notice how hard we work and how passionate we are about our products.

Have any other recommendations of good presents for Product Managers? Leave them in the comments. (No spam, please.)

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