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Defending the CPM’s Fictional Name

by The Cranky Product Manager on July 1, 2009

in Blog Business,The PM Profession

You “regular” people will probably never understand this, but it is TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH being a fictional product management celebrity. (Please, cry for me, Argentina.)

For one, the paparazzi never leave you alone.

Second, you never get any ”real-world” Web-2.0 cred – even at a time when everyone else is vomiting  ”social media brand-building” all over their resumes.  Well, guess who has more social media cred than 95% of you?  THE CRANKY PRODUCT MANAGER, THAT’S WHO.  But does the Cranky PM get to brag about such things on her “real world” resume, and maybe angle for a better paying job (or at least keep the one she has)?   HELL NO. In this respect, the CPM’s “real world” resume looks like a 60-year-old grandma’s (see note 1).

Third drawback?  Well, every now and then, an attention-whoring, self-promoting, link-baiting JACKASS has the AUDACITY to call you FICTIONAL! 

GAH!  How DARE he? That JACKASS!

But then the CPM is like, “Well, DUH, of COURSE I’m fictional!” 

But CRIPES it ticks her off, especially when he further posits that the CPM is a project of a commercial firm, written by someone who is familiar with product management but never had the role, and that the author is just making shit up in her posts. 

So the CPM debated the issue with herself: 

CHOICE #1: Bitch about it on Twitter for 60 seconds and then move on.  Reasons for:

  1. Attempting to “prove” the CPM’s legitimacy might compromise her real-world identity.
  2. What this Jackass wants – DESPERATELY, more than ANYTHING — is for the Cranky PM to send her 5000+ regular readers to his site. all so the Jackass can attempt to convince them to buy training from HIM.  (not gonna happen…)
  3. Tom Grant already defended the Cranky Product Manager’s honor on her behalf.  Why beat a dead horse?

CHOICE #2:  Defend self & take The Jackass to task. Reasons for:

  1. The Cranky Product Manager rarely backs away from a fight, especially when her FAMILY NAME is besmirched so scandalously.  She has the scars from many a middle-school scuffle to prove it.  
  2. The Cranky Product Manager is extremely flawed, prideful, and dumb. Emphasis on dumb.

Hmm…. Well, Choice #1 seems to be the most rational, thoughtful choice.  But the CPM has been dealing all day with a whining toddler who has apparently forgotten everything about using the potty.  She is on her last nerve and therefore she unwisely picks Choice #2.

SO, FOR THE RECORD, the following is THE TRUTH:

  1. The Cranky Product Manager is written by an INDIVIDUAL, with occasional guest posters and the help of a “Cranky Sales Engineer” friend.  All guest posts are clearly labeled.  The Cranky Product Manager is NOT the project of a commercial firm or product management organization.  The Cranky PM only WISHES she was actually paid to blog or had regular help to keep this schtick up.  (Hear that, Pragmatic /Sequent /ZigZag /Pivotal /Enthiosys /PDMA /280 Group /Rally /AIPMM /Blackbot – and yes, you, Aass University?   BUY ME!  The CPM will gladly entertain any reasonable offer. She is a capitalist, after all.)
  2. As is abundantly apparent to every reader EXCEPT The Jackass, the Cranky Product Manager’s author is a REAL product manager at and has been for <insert number between 5 and 15> years at <insert number greater than two> software vendors and online services.
  3. Regarding the story The Jackass claims “didn’t happen,” and thus cites as “proof” that the CPM is not a real product manager….well, SORRY, Jackass, but it DID happen. Not to the Cranky Product Manager personally, as is the case with 75% of the stories in this blog (seriously, the CPM would have a seriously sucky real-world life if all this crap really happened to one person), but to a <former/current> co-worker who is indeed a product manager.

The Jackass claims any PM would be fired if s/he called sales people to develop a product forecast.  OK… well, maybe if the product manager was enslaved at one of those dreary companies with which The Jackass is familiar, where the primary (sole?) function of the so-called Product Manager is ”keeper of the tick-list.”  The Cranky Product Manager can’t comment on that type of company because she has never — and would never – work at a place with such an profoundly limited view of the product management role; her jobs have always had more of a “Product Leader” (both tactical and strategic), “Voice of the Market,” and ”Buck Stops Here” emphasis.

But even at that dismal type of company, the PM would NOT be fired if the CEO ordered her to call individual sales reps to build a forecast.  Seriously, Jackass, did you even READ the post? 

The Cranky Product Manager has to say, she is really dismayed by The Jackass’s small-minded view of product management, especially given his own history in the PM trenches.  Thank Cheezus she never worked for or with him. Keeper of the Tick-list! GAH!  The CPM thought we left that  limited definition behind over 10 years ago. 

That The Jackass is out there proselytizing this outmoded view… well it makes the CPM sad. Very sad. Because he might be undoing the good work others (including the PM training firms that The Jackass disparages) have done educate senior executives and to show how the product management role can operate at its finest.  And, frankly, it’s an insult to PMs everywhere for him to present the 5% of the job that is the most boring and trivial as the whole picture of the product management profession. 

But, gentle readers, it might surprise you that the Cranky PM agrees with the Jackass on one main point:  if  the PM function reports into you, if you think product management’s main job is maintaining the tick-list, and if you simply cannot be convinced otherwise, well then the Cranky Product Manager URGES you to do what the Jackass recommends.  Automate away the PM role with some kind of feature voting tool. 

Why? Because the CPM does not want to WASTE HER TIME applying for your so-called “product management” job.  She’d rather focus her energy on companies that want someone to research customer problems, to be the voice of the MARKET (and not just current customers), to develop visions and road maps for the product’s future, to develop business cases and product strategies, to shepherd new products from concept to reality, and to properly position products and successfully launch them.  And she will then KICK YOUR PRODUCT’S ASS since you ignored all those activities, concentrating on “feature votes” from current customers instead of focusing on the MARKET problems and solutions that land the customers you don’t yet have, and thus providing the only real avenue for growth.

‘Nuff said.  Now excuse the Cranky Product Manager while she gets back to getting a fictional pedicure while sipping a fictional margarita on a fictional tropical beach.

(Oh, and thanks to Tom Grant for chivalrously defending the Cranky Product Manager’s honor.)

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Note 1: For those of you who suggest that the Cranky PM’s real world author establish her own independent social media presence…. well, she tried that.  Let’s just say it is the road to madness and to getting caught. If you are a highly distractible and semi-careless individual like the Cranky PM, you will — without a doubt — tweet/email/blog/update from the wrong account.  Trust her. She’s done it, a few times.  How the Cranky Product Manager’s true identity continues to remain a secret is a miracle.

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How Product Marketers Are Like Bad Real Estate Agents

by The Cranky Product Manager on June 12, 2009

in The PM Profession

OK, true confessions. The Cranky Product Management is a bit of a real estate whore. While she is missing the part of the X chromosome that likes shopping for shoes and wearing sassy little dresses, when it comes to gawking at beautiful homes and all the fantabulous things in them, the Cranky Product Manager is a total fangirl. 

Yep, the Cranky PM constantly daydreams about upgrading her digs. And when she goes away for the weekend, she is prone to fantasizing about buying a vacation home or even just flat-out relocating… leaving behind the Silicon Valley rat race and all that. 

Anway, recently the Cranky Product Manager was in a coffee shop in a GORGEOUS California locale and started craving real estate again.  She picked up the local copy of the ubiquitous Homes and Land magazine, and started skimming the listings.

But flipping through the pages, the CPM quickly got frustrated and irritated and “GAH!!!! Those IDIOTS!”  And then the CPM remembered that she ALWAYS get irritated whenever she looks at offline real estate advertisements.

Here’s some examples of her frustration, from the Homes & Land for San Mateo County, which covers a huge area between San Francisco and Palo Alto, including the coast (Half Moon Bay, Pacifica). Click on the thumbnails below to see the ad copy. And FYI, none of these ads contained a URL with more info.

No location. Wow. Looks like a great place, but WHERE THE HELL IS IT? The ad even touts the awesome location and its convenience to both San Fran and the South Bay. BUT WHERE THE HELL IS IT? There are no clues on the entire page.
Where the heck is Crestview? OK, maybe this is slightly better. A location, “Crestview”, is mentioned. But, again, WHERE THE HELL IS IT? You can’t find Crestview on a map, and unless you lived there you would not know the esoteric name of this neighborhood.
No price & no location. Double Trouble here. No town mentioned (guess you’re supposed to intuitively know which Laurel Street this ad refers to) AND no price listed. Why even bother looking at this ad? NEXT.
How many bedrooms and baths? Yeah, the location is mentioned! But how many bedrooms and baths does this place have? No way we’re going to make the CrankyGrandma and the CrankyKid share a room!

Seriously, what is it with real estate agents and the idiotic way so many of them advertise?  They seem completely out of touch with the way that people buy homes.  There are a few ”screening questions” that EVERY home buyer wants to know about a home before putting forth special effort to see (or further research) that home:

1) WHERE is the home?   At minimum: what town is it in?  Better: what town and area of town is it in? Best: what’s its address, so Google Maps can tell me if it is near everything important to my family: workplace, schools, activities,…?  (Keep in mind that many people are unfamiliar with the “neighborhood names” that Real Estate agents use, including the neighborhood’s residents.  Thus, the town name should ALWAYS be included.)

2) Is the home big enough for my family?  How many bedrooms and baths? How many square feet?

3) What’s the asking price? Yes, we all understand the price is negotiable.  But give the reader a clue as to whether he/she can even come close to affording the home.

When the Cranky PM sees ads that neglect to include this information, she gets irritated. And she knows she is not the only one. In general, buyers do NOT want to waste their time calling you, talking to you, and visiting you if you do not meet their minimum screening criteria.  You’ll just piss them off if you try to force it.

Preschools Too

Real estate pros are not the only ones who seem to have no clue as to what’s important to potential buyers.  The Cranky PM has been searching for preschools for the Cranky Kid and stumbled across this gem of a website: http://www.losgatospreschool.com/ 

Gee, what a spiffy website with animation, groovy music, photos of attractive Caucasian children, and everything. Yipee.  But with the exception of the school’s location, the website fails to provide answers to the basic screening questions that EVERY parent needs to know  when looking for preschools.

1) Does my child qualify?  What ages are the kids? What’s the birthday cut-off?  Do the kids need to be fully potty trained?

2) Is the preschool located near my home or work?

3) Does it fit with my work schedule?  Is the pre-school program full-time or part-time?  Does it go year-round? What hours does it operate?  Does it require parents help onsite during the weekdays (not good for working couples)?  What holidays does it take off?

4) Can I afford it?  What’s the tuition? 

Why, oh why, can’t anyone just simply answer the Cranky Product Manager’s initial screening questions?  Why even bother paying for an ad or a web presence if you are unwilling to tell the potential buyer what he/she needs to know up front?

So what does this have to do with product marketing?

(Aside: Note that in this section, the Cranky Product Manager uses “we” and “our” to refer to the universe of product marketers.  But make no mistake, she means “YOU,” since the Cranky PM is infallible and never ever effs up. Ever. Ask her husband. He knows. Or ought to.)

In many ways, technology products are no different than preschools or real estate. 

Our potential buyers visit our websites, they attend our events, they read our magazine ads, they flip through our brochures.  But about 75% of the time they are left not knowing what THE HELL our products actually do, never mind the answers to their basic screening questions.  We make it so damn hard on them. 

Why does this happen?  Because too often, we product marketers and product managers:

0) Don’t know who the buyers actually are.  Maybe we should try developing some buyer personas or do some research about the purchasing decision.  How about that?

1) Have NO CLUE about buyers’ initial screening questions.  Granted, the questions are often not as obvious for tech products as they are for homes or preschool – but not always.  Sometimes we product managers/marketers are just over-educated about our products and technology.  Like the real estate agent who forgets that no one knows where “Crestview Park” is, we forget that many potential buyers don’t know our industry jargon. And though the benefits of each feature seems obvious to the PM, we forget that potential buyers don’t get it.  We forget that the superiority of our base technology is almost never one of their core buying criteria.

2) DELIBERATELY don’t answer the questions, in hope that a particularly stupid customer might be duped into buying something that doesn’t meet his screening criteria.  This is also officially called “Being a Spineless Weasel”.  It really pisses the CPM off and is the reason why the Internet is full of meaningless, watered-down descriptions of companies and products.  In the end, this makes prospects mad, generates crappy and unqualified leads, and wastes the time of sales people.  All cuz you’re a spineless f-word who is too chicken-s*#@ to honestly admit you DON’T do something.

3) Are too lazy to truly answer the questions.  Instead of finding out what the screening questions of potential buyers are and answering them clearly, we too often stick to the - duh! - stupid and obvious.  (“Our product lifecycle management system helps you manage the lifecyle of your products”).  Or we think we’re speaking to the buyer’s problem if we stick a trite phrase like “increases ROI”, “improves efficiency”, or “adds value” to our descriptions.  But these are just unbelievable claims unless there is a readily apparent premise.  

(An example from IBM: “Content Management – Activate content with processes. Add value and transform your business” — uh, ok, you can UTTERLY TRANSFORM my business by letting me “activate content” – REALLY?)

Do something about it

We need to do a better job.  Sometimes the Cranky Product Manager finds herself utterly ashamed for the Entire Profession when she reads the marketing crap she finds on them Internets.

Please, please. Help her do something about it.

Develop some buyer personas. Instead of assuming you know your target buyers’ screening questions, try asking some people in your target market who AREN’T customers.  Find people via trade shows, LinkedIn, online forums, your friends, your family, Twitter, whatev. Ask lots.  The criteria is often not as complicated as you think.  Once you get the questions, clearly and honestly answer them. Especially on your website. 

Stop making it so hard for your customers to figure out what you do.

It’s not easy, but who said product marketing was? 

And now the Cranky Product Manager will resume her regularly scheduled real estate gawking.

In the comments, please share your tips for locating new potential buyers and finding out their initial screening questions!!!

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Note 1: OK, you’re going to tell the Cranky PM that these magazines are not actually designed to sell the houses advertised; their purpose is to sell the AGENT.  Fair enough. But the Cranky PM thinks that such ads makes the agents look like out-of-touch morons, and are thus spectacularly ineffective.

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Video – You Chose Product Marketing, Deal With It!

by The Cranky Product Manager on February 18, 2009

in The PM Profession

One of the Crankerati (that’s what the CPM is now calling all you readers) sent this in, so the Cranky Product Manager might share it with you.  FREAKIN’ HILARIOUS STUFF. And still oh so true.

Enjoy.

Summary:

Back in the 1990s, some creative marketing people at Sun made this video. Though Sun is the setting, it is widely applicable to high tech companies in the valley. Intended to be funny, it has aged pretty well.

“You Chose Product Marketing – Deal With It!” is now available on YouTube.

Quality is not 1080p (source was an old VCR tape), and had to be split into two parts since YouTube will only allow 10 minute videos, and it was about 11 minutes long.

Part One:

Part Two:

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