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The Cranky Product Manager Responds to the Cranky Sales Engineer – Part 2

by The Cranky Product Manager on February 4, 2009

in Sales

(Continuing the Cranky Product Manager’s long-winded response to the Cranky Sales Engineer’s diatribe on training at Sales Kickoff.  See part 1 here.)

Let the Cranky Product Manager next respond to this nugget of advice on product training, courtesy of the Cranky Sales Engineer:

7. Bring the Cranky Sales Engineer some real references.

Ummm, Cranky Sales Engineer, isn’t that YOUR job?

Let the Cranky Product Manager get this straight… before YOU can start selling the NEW product (or new version of the product) you want REAL references from REAL customers.  And you want the product manager to provide these references to you on a silver platter?

OK. Would you also like a mint on your pillow and a foot rub?

What, you can’t sell something unless someone ELSE has ALREADY sold it?  You must be a real SALES GENIUS! So glad we have you on board and pay you the big bucks!  Thank Cheezus you are at a tech company, where new products and new versions come out constantly.

Seriously, NO ONE has the new product / new release yet. Hence the word “NEW.”  There are NO “real” references yet.  That is why Product Management is even at Kickoff – to train you on the product. So YOU can sell it to real customers and go get those references.  The Cranky Product Manager can (and does) tell you about the customers who gave input on the product concept and feedback on pre-release versions, but you’d likely scoff at that.

OK, one more:

The Cranky Sales Engineer is giving up chunks of his life to sit in your presentation—he may even have gotten up early to get there and may be hung over. He will sell your products if they add value and make customers lives better. But, if he walks out of your meeting mourning two hours of his life that he’ll never get back, you can kiss his support goodbye until the next Scotch-soaked Sales Kickoff in 2010.

AWWWW. Poor, put-upon, entitled Cranky Sales Engineer. Having to get up EARLY! While you are HUNG OVER, no less!

Dear Cheezus, how outrageous of your company to interfere with your PAID, booze-drenched, awards-laded excursion to the tropics. How DARE they expect you to attend and listen to some presentations about the products you are PAID to sell. The nerve!  It is all such an inconvenience when you are trying to get your drink on.

Anyway, just remember that while you got up early (boo fraking hoo), the Cranky Product Manager giving the presentation got up EARLIER. And while you’re hung-over after a night of clubbing, strippers, gambling, cigars, and boozing it up, the Cranky Product Manager spent that same night working on that presentation and practicing it in her hotel room’s bathroom mirror, over and over. NO HANGOVER, but no fun either.

You moan about losing two hours of your life, but remember that the Cranky PM lost way more than that working on that fraking demo you so casually ignore.

Conclusion

Cranky Sales Engineer, you are indeed lucky.  No matter how disrespectful you are of the CPM during product training (because she didn’t bring you references, had slides with too many words, and had the nerve to be enthusiastic about the future), and no matter if you “kissed your support” of her goodbye, the Cranky Product Manager will still help you sell the product.  She won’t kiss her support of you goodbye.

Why? Because she’s not a coin-operated mercenary.  Because she actually cares about what’s good for the product and what’s good for the entire company.  Because she is not solely focused on her own wallet. Unlike the vast majority of you Droids.

So, yes, in a few weeks the Cranky Product Manager will save your ass yet again. Even though you won’t deserve it. She will give the product demo to YOUR customer — the demo you SHOULD have learned during training but didn’t.  She will give you a private tutorial on the customer problems and how the product alleviates them. Because she’s not going to let a ding-dong Droid get in the way of her product’s success.

Surely, the LEAST you can do in return is give the Cranky Product Manager the sales commission that SHE earned for you.

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The Cranky Product Manager Responds to the Cranky Sales Engineer – Part 1

by The Cranky Product Manager on February 2, 2009

in Sales

Earlier, we had an excellent guest post from The Cranky Sales Engineer. The Cranky Product Manager thought much of it was brilliant, but nevertheless some parts irritated her.  Enough that the Cranky Product Manager’s response takes TWO posts. This is part 1.

Let’s start with this paragraph:

3. Do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer how excited you are about the future—The Cranky Sales Engineer makes money selling real things that exist today…

OK, Cranky Sales Engineer. The Cranky Product Manager is more than happy to oblige. No excitement — promise!  She’ll get up in front of a class of SEs and say she thinks the future BLOWS CHUNKS.  (Oh wait, are desperation and panic forms of excitement?)

But that’s not what you meant, Cranky Sales Engineer, is it?

So maybe you’re suggesting the Cranky Product Manager forgo the roadmap presentation?  No problem, the Cranky Product Manager is happy to comply…. but only if YOU AND THE REST OF THE SALES DROIDS PROMISE YOU WON’T ASK FOR THE ROADMAP FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.

Yup, you got it — one of the main reasons the roadmap preso is in Sales Kickoff is because you Sales Droids ASK FOR IT — nay, DEMAND IT.  And if you don’t want it now, you’ll definitely want it in a few months.  Because you want to know what’s coming up, jackass.  Don’t pretend you don’t.  Seriously. The Cranky Product Manager has NEVER met a Sales Engineer who didn’t want to know what was planned for the product. Ever. Get over yourself, already.

And hats off to you for wanting to sell what exists today. That makes you a rarity among Sales Droids. Really.

Next:

When simple features are missing or broken today, do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer that they will be fixed in 2010 unless you want the Cranky Sales Engineer to start selling your product in 2010.

Guess what?  EVERY product has missing and broken features*.  As a Sales Engineer, you might have no idea, and your stomach might churn when you hear the truth**, but many mature, industry-leading products regularly ship with well over 10K known bugs and feature requests.  Yep. (Don’t tell the customers.)

So if you want to wait until everything is fixed before you start selling, well you might want to look for a new profession.

Next objectionable paragraph:

6. Do not have more than seven words on a slide

You gotta be kidding.  This is not a Guy Kawasaki-style psych-up speech.  This is heavy, technical content that you need to know cold.  The content cannot be found anywhere else.  It’s stuff you’ll want to refer to later.   7 words per slide is not appropriate and not adequate.

Ok, ok.  In theory, this MIGHT work if people typically remembered 100% of a presentation instead of  just 10%.  And it might work if the Cranky Sales Engineer and the rest of the Droids didn’t show up to PM presentations late/drunk/hungover, or if they didn’t just skip the presentations altogether.

As a result of the above, plus an SE turnover rate that matches fruit flies, you Sales Droids NEED slides that you can read later, that have enough content for you to learn with out a voice-over.

Don’t suggest that the Cranky PM record the presentation — she tested that idea and has hard data proving that printable PPTs are more effective and more used than recordings.

(To be continued…. see the next post.)

————

* In enterprise software, at least. The Cranky Product Manager appreciates that several industries (medical, government, hardware) have much higher quality standards, but she assumes the Cranky Sales Engineer would not be bitching about a released product being broken if he were in those industries.

** Rest assured, the Cranky Product Manager also feels physically ill when looking at the huge-osity of the bug list.

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Guest Post: The Cranky Sales Engineer on Sales Training

by The Cranky Product Manager on January 29, 2009

in Guest Posts,Sales

Today we have a WICKED AWESOME guest post and a bit of role reversal. Listen up, Product Managers, as the Cranky Sales Engineer schools you on what he wants from the product training you inflict on him during the annual Sales Kickoff meeting.

Now, the Cranky Product Manager must say that she does not agree with everything the Cranky Sales Engineer says. In fact, some of what he wrote makes the Cranky Product Manager want to bitchslap the Cranky Sales Engineer. Said bitchslapping can be found in the tomorrow’s  post. 

Oh, and while we’re at it, go read the Cranky Product Manager’s earlier post on The Joy of Sales Kickoff.

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It is freezing, the NFL Playoffs are almost over, and his office is abuzz with the frenetic contract-closing activity of year-end. That means that its time for the Cranky Sales Engineer to make travel plans for Sales Kickoff and sales training.

The Cranky Sales Engineer is as much in favor of the warm-weather debauchery associated with Sales Kickoff as the next guy, and he looks forward to a week of expense-report funded single-malt scotch. But in payment for the sweet sweet products of Scotland, he must endure hours of Product Managers trying to convince him to sell their products. In hopes of making his Scotch-free time as painless as possible, he is presenting his “top seven” list of tips for Product Managers, cranky or otherwise.

1. Do not spend time telling the Cranky Sales Engineer that computers are getting faster or that other obvious trends are continuing—The Cranky Sales Engineer sells in the high tech arena and he knows very well that computers are getting faster. He does not need this trend pounded home by a series of up-and-to-the-right slides demonstrating the wonders of Moore’s Law. He also does not need to be told that customers will be trying to save money in 2009 and that budgets will be tight.

2. Do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer how to sell—There is nothing that pisses off the Cranky Sales Engineer faster than a Product Manager who provides pearls of wisdom like, “Make sure the customer has budget.” REALLY? REALLY? Oh thank God you provided free sales training because the Cranky Sales Engineer was going to stand on the street corner with a bullhorn and see if he could interest poor college students in your Stupendously Expensive Software 2009.3b. Thank GOD you suggested they have money.

3. Do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer how excited you are about the future—The Cranky Sales Engineer makes money selling real things that exist today. While a roadmap is useful, it is not a replacement for a product that works today. When simple features are missing or broken today, do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer that they will be fixed in 2010 unless you want the Cranky Sales Engineer to start selling your product in 2010.

4. Do not lie to the Cranky Sales Engineer—If a feature is broken, and you know it is broken, do not tell the Cranky Sales Engineer to sell it. The Cranky Sales Engineer test the feature, learn it is broken, then he will find you and he will kill you. There is nothing that Cranky Sales Engineer hates more than losing a customer’s trust because he sold something that was broken. Well, there is one thing, selling something that the Product Manager knew was broken.

5. Do not mistake features for benefits—The Cranky Sales Engineer is duly impressed by your cleverness and the cleverness of your engineers, but he is not impressed by features that serve no value. If you cannot cite a benefit for a feature then do not mention the feature to the Cranky Sales Engineer.

6. Do not have more than seven words on a slide—If you deliver 90 slides with dense text and read them to that Cranky Sales Engineer, things will go poorly. The Cranky Sales Engineer can read faster to himself than you can read out loud. If you want to write the Cranky Sales Engineer a memo, then write that. If, instead, you write a memo on a slide and start reading it to the Cranky Sales Engineer, he will respond by answering the email on his Blackberry until you go away.

7. Bring the Cranky Sales Engineer some real references—The Cranky Sales Engineer got cranky by being slapped around by Cranky Customers. The Cranky Sales Engineer has never thrown the product team under the bus and has taken it on the chin for the product team. Therefore there is nothing that impresses him more than a real reference from a real happy customer who found real value.

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