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Power Post #2: Hoarding Features & Products

by The Cranky Product Manager on January 22, 2010

in The PM Profession

(OK, another 5 minute Power Post.  An attempt to break through the procrastination and writer’s block that has been plaguing the author of this blog.)

The Cranky PM has recently become obsessed with the TV Show Hoarders.  If you are unfamiliar, it is a reality show that profiles people who hoard stuff — tons of worthless artifacts and even unsanitary crap (literally crap! think rotten food!  old diapers! full cat boxes!) — until the point that they are buried under 10′ mounds of germ-ridden garbage, their homes are rotting underneath the filth and about to be condemned,  Child Protective Services is about to take their children away, and Animal Control is confiscating their pets.

It is super depressing.

Why the Cranky Product Manager watches, she does not know.  She doesn’t exactly “like” the show.  But it is kind of addictive.

She guesses some of the allure is that it makes the Cranky PM feel like she’s pretty damn organized and productive compared to these people.  Isn’t that cruel, though?  Taking comfort in the misery of others?  Plus, really, what is the great achievement in keeping a nicer environment than people who have a bona fide mental illness?  So, the fact that she watches this show should tell you, Gentle Readers, something not-so-nice about the Cranky PM’s lackluster character.

But ANYWAYS… Like EVERYTHING (pretty much), it reminded the Cranky Product Manager just a teensy bit of life at DysfunctoSoft.

(Watch with utter amazement, as the Cranky PM attempts to segue – like a crappy local newscaster – to a completely unrelated topic).

How? Because DysfunctoSoft has NEVER, EVER thrown out a feature, truly de-supported a platform, or dropped an obsolete product.  No matter how decrepit, bug-ridden and just FOUL that hardly-used-but-now-completely-obsolete feature is.  No matter how ridiculously costly it is to continue supporting that horrible Active X plug-in from 10 years ago. Who really cares if the thing integrates with Adobe Reader 4 anymore????

The product documentation is clogged up to the point of complete obscurity with all this crap.  You can’t read it and understand what the product actually does! The price list is out of control and so freaking confusing because it has tons of space devoted to products and licensing options that no one ever uses (or if they do use them, let’s face it, they’re freaks).  The automated test suite – which is supposed to run every 6 hours — now takes over 30 hours to run.

WHY? Because  DysfunctoSoft is a HOARDER.  Not all Software Companies are. But there are more than a few out there.

Just remember, if you refuse to pick up your stinkin’ house now and then – and clear out the dead products, obsolete and bug-ridden features, and unsanitary filth out of your product line – well, one day it will collapse under its own weight, with you inside.!

(well maybe not, but didn’t that sound dramatic)?

(OK, actually went 10 minutes on this one. So not quite a Power Post, but whatev….)

{ 8 comments }

The Cranky Product Manager Sez Go Big or Go Home

by The Cranky Product Manager on October 20, 2009

in Marketing, The PM Profession

Oy.  Product managers create business cases and business plans all the time.  The Cranky PM has created and seen a bajillion of them in her day.  Lots.

But, cripes, so many of them suck.  In particular, so many business cases use a device that is a major peeve of the Cranky Product Manager.  Oh yes, you know it.  You’ve probably done it yourself.  It’s the “one percent of the market” argument.  It usually goes something like this:  “The total market is $X.  If we manage to garner just 1% of that total market, we will have $Z in revenue per year.  $Z is a lot of money!  Ergo, fund my project.”

Gack.

This argument seems wise and safe…. conservative even. After all, it is no major achievement to acquire a paltry 1% of a market… OR IS IT?

It is.  Trust the Cranky Product Manager, this argument is WICKED WEAK. It ignores the dynamics of how competitive markets work, especially in the software industry.

In the beginning of a new market’s life, sure, there are lots and lots of competitors.  Enough that many players might achieve 1% of the market.  That’s what markets look like when they are immature and stupid. But soon enough, the market’s childhood is over and you have an adolescent market on your hands. 

And in an adolescent market, a 1% position is completely unsustainable.  Because as that market starts sprouting the accouterments of puberty — the appearance of chest hair, voluptuous hips, or the first contrarian articles in the press (a la “this technology is not quite the shizz that was promised”)  – the number of players shrinks big-time, as the small-time players — the ONE PERCENT players — all die or get acquired.  And voila!  You end up with about 5 players.  And you better believe they all have more than one percent of the market.

And then, our frisky little teenager of a market grows up more and becomes a fuddy-duddy adult, with only 2 or 3 players — the smallest of which will almost certainly have at least a 15% market share.  And that is likely that way it will stay until the market is wheeled off in a casket, or at least put into an assisted living facility.

Anyway, all this rambling about puberty was the Cranky Product Manager’s way of saying that aiming for 1% market share is  basically aiming for failure.  You can’t sustain that.  You’ll either be a success and have a MUCH bigger market share, or you will fail and not exist.  And do the Cranky PM a solid….DON’T show her any business cases where you are aiming for failure, okay?   And don’t show a business plan that only applies during the market’s childhood years.  Show her your plan to become one of the top two or three players in the market’s adulthood – preferably the NUMBER ONE PLAYER — with a hell of a lot more market share than 1%.  Either that, or GO HOME. 

OK, don’t go home.  Your spouse doesn’t want you there either.  Go take up residence in the local Starbucks while you work on the next draft of your oh-so awesome business plan.  Get back to the Cranky Product Manager after you fix it.

{ 10 comments }

Is There Anything as Predictable as a Sales Droid?

May 19, 2009

For years, the Cranky Product Manager has been dealing with all those whiny Sales Droids. 
You know, those people who moan all the time about how Sales is The. Hardest. Job. Ever., as they yap on their bluetooths while driving around in their Porche 911s?   You know, those dudes/dudettes who always win deals because of their mad persistence, unequaled interpersonal aptitude, and [...]

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Guest Post: The Cranky Marketer Goes Off – Part Deux

March 26, 2009

The Cranky Product Manager is SUPER LAZY these days. Once again, she’s letting someone else do the work – the Cranky Marketer – the dude/dudette in charge of Marketing at a B2B tech company. This is part TWO of three (see part one here).
This post is a  longie but a goodie, so check [...]

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Divine Rules for Product Managers #3: On Helping the Press with Product Reviews

January 5, 2009

If a member of the press wants to review a product, the Product Marketing Manager shall assist by providing an Evaluation Guide.
If thou does this according to THE SOFTWARE LORD’S wishes, the trade magazine just might run an article extolling to the world the virtues of your product.
Keeping in mind the lower-than-expected IQ and extreme sloth of certain [...]

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The 5 Types of Beta Testing Programs and Why 4 of Them Suck

December 18, 2008

Let the Cranky Product Manager remind you all what the purpose of a Beta Program is: To get customers to _actually use_ your about-to-be-released software, in order to find and fix problems that would not have been found by internal-only testing.

So WHY then, WHY(!?) do so many so-called Beta programs seem explicitly designed to PREVENT this type of feedback?

Let the Cranky Product Manager classify and explain the different types of Beta, the vast majority of which do NOTHING to improve product quality or identify customer issues.

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Why it doesn’t matter where Product Management lives in the organization

December 2, 2008

The Cranky Product Manager has read, and listened, and pondered, and debated, and bit her tongue over the years, as others have debated the proper place in the organization for the Product Management function.  Should it be in Engineering? Or in Marketing? Or in its own Products organization that reports directly to the CEO?
Not surprisingly, [...]

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Why it doesn't matter where Product Management lives in the organization

December 2, 2008

The Cranky Product Manager has read, and listened, and pondered, and debated, and bit her tongue over the years, as others have debated the proper place in the organization for the Product Management function.  Should it be in Engineering? Or in Marketing? Or in its own Products organization that reports directly to the CEO?
Not surprisingly, [...]

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Heresy Against the Church of Agile Software Development

September 23, 2008

The Cranky Product Manager is a big fan of anything that will get quality, innovative, market-killing products out the door more quickly.
Sincerely. This statement is a paragon of truthiness. Hell, the Cranky Product Manager would even trade in her extensive work wardrobe of Lucky Brand jeans for a pile of poofy skirts if it would [...]

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