teflongineer

Submit captions for this cartoon of “The Teflong-gineer” in this post’s comments.  And don’t forget to submit captions for the other Software Engineer Types as well…

The Teflon-gineer

The Teflon-gineer will do anything to reduce his work. If you’ve asked for a sports car, this engineer will try his/her damnedest to meet your requirements with a Model T Ford. Deflects all bug assignments with his/her Teflon Work Deflector (in size ‘J’ for Jerk).

Distinguishing Characteristics:

• Says things like, “Are you sure the users really want that?” and “Is XYZ functionality really that important? How many users did you talk to? Can I see your notes?“
• Reassigns his bugs back to you with updates like, “Please provide more clarity“, even when you’ve already referenced the spec page and section which spells out the original requirements with blinding clarity. When you reassign the bug back to him, you get his Out Of Office response.
• Attempts to lock you into a legal contract specifying everything down to the last minimalist kilobyte of code that will be written.
• During spec reviews or Scrum, says things like “Oh, you want the page to validate the user’s password entry? Well that will cost you an extra 2 days of work…plus another day if you want that alpha tested.“
• Attempts to break your will to live with never-ending requests for excruciatingly documented detail to the point where it would be faster to code it yourself (inclusive of the time it would take you to learn Python).
• When he delivers, his code is solidly mediocre. He never surprises, never innovates, and never has ideas.
• Even his peers think he’s kind of a jerk.
• Likes to watch When Animals Attack.

Project Pitfalls:
Serving your sentence for justifiable homicide will impede the project schedule.

Do you need this engineer?
Did you need your sibling to hold his finger one inch from your nose and say “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you…^“4

Achilles Heel:
His manager thinks he’s a jerk, too.

Best Bet:
Get this engineer off your project. Confront him/her, document as much of this crap as you can, then confront his manager. No good can come of this.

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